


Dirk's Damn Dam

by ambrolen



Series: Dirk/John [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Gen, M/M, Short, Suicidal Ideation, masturbation mention, sort of a character analysis i guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-07-31 13:51:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20116141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambrolen/pseuds/ambrolen
Summary: An exploration of the mind of Dirk and his relationship with John.Dirk is too much, too intense, and can't decide if John wants him to push more, or if that's just what he wants to believe.These are all consisting of very short blips. I was debating waiting until I had finished writing them all, but I'm not sure they quite work as a cohesive narrative. As such, they'll be updated sporadically. Maybe a bunch in one day, maybe none for weeks. Not sure. Just as I feel it.Author projection is to be assumed and ignored.





	1. Dirk's God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk kisses a little too fervently.

Dirk did not ascribe to any particular religion, and as such he had no idea what gods to thank when John pressed his lips into his own. He mostly just thanked John. I mean. They were all technically gods, right? Dirk cupped his boyfriend's face in his hands and delicately traced his cheekbones with his thumbs. John gasped against his lips and Dirk's tongue darted through the opening. 

John froze. 

Dirk felt his muscles tense beneath him and he immediately let go and pushed himself back. 

"Fuck! I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed it," he says, searching John's expression for a hint on how to fix this. 

John sighs and covers his face with his hands as he leans backwards into the couch. He runs his hands down his face then lets them fall into his lap. "No, I'm… I'm just not ready, I guess,"

Dirk nods, hesitates, then places a reassuring hand on his boyfriend's shoulder. 

John leans into Dirk and shrugs his shoulders until Dirk's arm is wrapped over both. Dirk pulls him closer and plants his face in the top of his head. “I love you.” He says it like it’s an apology. Like it’s an explanation. Like it hurts.

“I love you too,” John says. It’s simple and light and it makes Dirk’s chest ache every time he hears it.

He doesn’t deserve John, and it makes him hold on all the more.


	2. When it Began

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk reflects on how it all came to be.

Dirk tried not to treat John like he was fragile, but he always felt like the proverbial bull in the China shop around him.  
He liked John as soon as he had met him. He laughed and he cared and he joked and he was there for everyone. Always. Too much. It wore him to tight smiles and tired eyes. Dirk hated how much he loved it when that attention turned to him. Was that all he cared about? Positive reinforcement? Eventually Dirk said “fuck it.” The universe was saved. He was over Jake (he was over Jake). He wanted this attractive man to smile at him more. Still wary from his last unfortunate bout of courting, he reached out with a light touch, desperately holding it in from turning it into a flood.  
“It’s just a little crush,” he said.  
“It’s no big deal,” he said.  
“Say the word and I’ll never bring it up again.”  
Was it fucked up he almost hoped that would happen?  
But it didn’t.  
John was flattered and unsure and he faltered and, god, Dirk just wanted to hold him and tell him everything was going to be fine.  
After some prodding John revealed that, yes, Vriska and Karkat had expressed attraction in him, years ago, and they both made him want to lock up his feelings for different reasons. And thankfully he had much bigger fish to fry, so it was easy enough to do so. And then they were on Earth C, and things were calm, and feelings slowly leaked out. Not just those, but, well, more. Like boys. Did he like boys? Had he liked Dave this whole time? Weeks of reluctant self-reflection and hesitant, vague conversations with Dave helped him realize the answer to both was yes.  
Dirk had frozen at this. John and his bro? Was he just an echo of what could have been?  
John assured him that wasn’t the case and redirected him to his dozen and a half years of internalized biphobia and his general inexperience with, well, anything.  
“We’ll take it slow. Whatever you want. Just tell me when I take it too far.” When, not if. When.


	3. The First Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk pushes a little more.

Dirk was constantly surprised what John was comfortable with and what he wasn’t.  
John had accidentally walked in on Dirk getting dressed after a shower, but nudity didn’t faze John. A body was just a body, and Dirk’s was a body he didn’t mind pressed close against him. He craved it, even. Constantly seeking out physical contact no matter Dirk’s state of dress. Almost every night the two slept intertwined, sometimes clothed, sometimes not, and Dirk’s hand stayed frozen on John’s chest, not dreaming of moving anywhere else.  
Kissing, John seemed to like in theory, but it took a bit to get it in practice. He blushed and stuttered and his lips remained pressed in a thin line when Dirk first kissed him (it was always Dirk first, Dirk pushing the boundaries, Dirk asking for more) and he was afraid he went too far, too fast, but after steadying himself against Dirk’s shoulders for a few moments, John kissed back, and the pounding in Dirk’s chest was almost painful.  
And it was enough, it was enough, it was enough to just hold John and kiss him and love him. He didn’t need anything else. He didn’t need to keep pushing. But sometimes there was a look in John’s eye, a tilt in his voice, like he wanted him to and couldn’t bring himself to ask and Dirk knew it was all in his head but he pushed again.


	4. Not Now, But One Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where the mature rating and tags start to come into play.  
Dirk trips a hidden trigger

He hadn’t exactly  _ planned _ it. John was wanting Dirk to come over, but Dirk was waiting on a package. What package? Oh you know just something to spice up his private time with little Dirk. He said it like a joke, but his heart was pounding.

“Oh!” John said. And then he didn’t say anything for a while.

What seemed like hours later, but was probably only thirty minutes, Rose texted him.

She didn’t know, or didn’t say, if John’s sex hangups were about the two dudes thing or issues with his own body thing or even just a strictly Dirk thing, but Dirk thought it was probably a combination. She just said, “Not now, try again later,” like the fucking magic eight ball she was.

When John texted him an hour or so later, he apologized and explained that he really would like to talk to Dirk about this sort of thing, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t. Maybe later. Try later.

Part of Dirk hated him for that. For putting this on his shoulders. He knew John wouldn’t be able to bring this up on his own, but he felt like shit for constantly feeling like the bad guy every time he pushed just a little too far.


	5. The Dam Breaks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John loves it when Dirk flirts with him. Until he doesn't.

Dirk’s slipped up before. More than once. He loved to tease John, flirt with him, make him blush. God it was so  _ cute _ when he blushed! And John loved it! Encouraged it, almost  _ purred _ into him at the praise and affection. Then it started coming out as a flood. Praise, after praise. Descriptions of holding him, kissing him, keeping him. Explaining just how much he loved him, what he saw when he looked at him. He kissed his cheeks and forehead and nose and lips and then realized John was motionless and breathing heavy and it wasn’t good it was bad it was so very bad.

John excused himself, and Dirk left and didn’t sleep until a text from John lit up his phone, “Sorry, I just got a little overwhelmed. <3”

Dirk stopped flirting. He couldn’t trust himself to anymore. He kissed and he held and he kept his lips sealed and it was enough it was enough it was enough  _ it was enough _ .


	6. Thoughts to Send You Straight to Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into Dirk's private time with little Dirk.

Private time with little Dirk came up mostly out of boredom than anything else. He watched porn pretty passively, most of the time, unable to get his head to stop critiquing it and just shut up and enjoy what was happening. But sometimes, as he forced his brain to be more idle, it drifted and thought, well, wouldn’t it be nice if John slammed him against the wall? Wouldn’t that just be a grand thing to occur? Hands roaming, blood racing, breath hot on skin. Or maybe he would be the one to do the pushing, grinding John into the bed finding new ways to make him feel good and discovering new ways his face could contort.

Dirk was disgusted with himself. He did his best not to think about it. It would just make John uncomfortable if he knew.

But, god, what he wouldn’t give to touch lower than his chest! To lick, to bite, to grip, to scream!

He had to stop.

He had to watch himself.

He had to reign his shit in before he tried pushing it on John.

Not even one

Teansy

Little

Push

Dirk wondered if they had created a hell for this new universe, and he wondered if he would be very lonely in it once he finally died.


	7. Let's Talk About Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dead society can still internalize beliefs and expectations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first but might come off as acephobic and this is just me saying that Dirk's self-hating thoughts on a complicated matter don't represent my thoughts, especially as a grey-ace person.

It always came down to sex, didn't it? The inevitable tug of human nature secured in his DNA. Most of the time he swears he didn't care about it, didn't need it, didn't really think about it. Other days he wondered and he doubted. 

Logically, logically he knew John wasn't ready, and might not even be interested after coming to terms with it as a concept. And that was fine. Logically. 

But emotionally? The ones Dirk did his best to keep under lock and key? It had him looking in the mirror trying to pick out what it was about him that was so off-putting, then wondering how could he have thought something about him wasn't. The echos of the dead society he grew up reading about told him love and sex were intertwined and if you were never looked at with lust you were never looked at with love. He knew it was wrong, would have laughed if anyone suggested otherwise, but it was an idea whispered in the depths of his mind on his loneliest nights. 

He hated himself for needing that sense of validation, but he hated himself for so many other things, he could shove that down and figure it out later. 

He wished he could talk to John about it, though. He wished he could talk to John about everything. 


	8. Those Three Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk struggles to say what he feels and accept John feels what he says

Dirk has slipped "I love you"s in as subtlety as he could. They hadn't been dating for long at that point, but he was too overcome with the feeling to not express it at all. It pulsed in him like a hunger and like sustenance simultaneously. 

"I love the way you talk about that," he'd say. 

"I love it when you laugh."

"I love your smile."

Never quite saying it. Never pushing quite that far. 

Then one night as they were going to sleep, curled up against each other, John said it. "Love ya." Just like that. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like he had been saying it all his life. 

Dirk was too shocked to say anything back. 

He wanted to bring it up the next day, but the morning came with its own drama and Dirk put it to the side for the time being. 

It was another week or so before John said it again, and this time Dirk blurted out a meager "You, too."

He had already psyched himself out. 

After all, Dirk was the one always needing to lead the way, take the first move. It had taken over a month to get them to be "official" in the first place. Surely John wouldn't just breeze through this important milestone, right? He had to be meaning it casually, right?

Dirk knew if he said it back it would not sound casual at all, and he didn't want to come off as more intense than he could help, so he didn't say it back for quite a long time. 


	9. To Be a Heart Player

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk struggles with opening up.

To say that Dirk didn’t know how to talk about his problems would be an understatement. As a heart player, he was quite in tune with his problems, sometimes to the point of obsession, but sharing them with others? That was different entirely. It was definitely one of the failings he had with Jake, the lack of proper communication. He had to remind himself that it wasn’t just  _ his _ lack of communication, that  _ he _ wasn’t the sole reason that relationship fell apart. Sometimes he believed it.

He didn’t want that to be a problem with John. He didn’t. He wanted to talk to John. But John had the world on his shoulders, even now that the game was over. He could never turn down a stranger, much less a friend, when they needed an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, and Dirk considered it his privilege to be the one John felt comfortable unwinding with. Dirk quietly soothing the day away with soft touches and softer words as John admitted to what troubled him, how tired he was. He was so, so tired.

So Dirk choked back words, and he knew it wasn’t good or healthy and he’d have to talk about it with John one day. It wasn’t fair to either of them. Wasn’t honest. But not today. Not now.


	10. John's Frustration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The farce could only hold for so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is partially me completely acknowledging that just about everything I've had Dirk believe and think and do are like  
Unhealthy As Shit

Dirk’s eyes were downcast, staring at the wall behind John.

John’s hands were on him, gripping his shirt.

His shades had been removed minutes, hours, years ago.

Nothing to hide eyes, puffy and red from holding back tears.

Wouldn’t it be oh, so selfish to cry?

John was mad. Upset. Frustrated. Exasperated. Fed up. Tired. So tired.

Dirk would reach out to hold him, but he was the reason, so his hands stayed in clenching fists at the hem of his shirt.

“You’ve got to _tell_ _me_ what’s going on, Dirk!” John’s hands couldn’t decide between gripping and soothing.

“I’m fine.” The response was as automatic as it was insincere. 

“You’re not!” John snapped. “You’ve got to tell me when you’re not! That’s why I’m here! I can’t read your mind.”

Dirk shrugged helplessly. “You’ve just had a lot going on.”

“And you haven’t?” Dirk could see John staring at him from his peripheral vision, but not well enough to make out an expression.

“It’s not the same. It’s not that bad. I can deal with it.” His eyes were boring a hole in the wall.

John let out a sharp sigh, releasing Dirk’s shirt and pushing him back slightly in the process. Dirk used the momentum to take a subtle step or two back.

“Seriously, John--”

“No!” It came out so fiercely, Dirk couldn’t help but whip his head up to stare at his boyfriend. His stomach dropped as he saw those same tell-tale signs of tears struggling to break free. “I can’t do it again. I can’t wake up to you  _ crying _ again only to find out you’ve been feeling like shit for, how long, Dirk? Days? Weeks?”

Dirk shrugged helplessly again and looked back at his spot on the wall. “You were sick. You were busy. You were tired. I didn’t want to bug you with my bullshit.”

“It’s my  _ job _ to be ‘bugged’ with your bullshit, Dirk! That’s what I signed up for!” Dirk gulped down a hard lump in his throat. John released a mix of a sigh and a groan. “I love you.” Dirk could only nod. “This is part of what loving you means. That I’m here for you.”

  
  


Dirk woke up, gut clenching knowing that was the best dream he’d had in a while.


	11. Invisible Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk obsesses over something even less healthy than usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been debating on what to put in the notes, if anything.  
Some of you might understand this chapter immediately. Some of you might not.  
This is where the suicidal ideation tag comes in.  
I might expand upon it further later on.
> 
> \---now edited to include an illustration

There was no line at his throat from his multiple decapitations, but Dirk found himself staring at the unblemished skin in the mirror, tracing a line with his finger where he imagined a scar should exist.

A knock on the bathroom door startled him out of his musings. "Alright in there?" John asked cheerfully.

"Yeah." It came out like a croak. Dirk cleared his throat and tried again. "Yeah." He opened the door. "You know me, just powdering my nose."

John snorted, and Dirk allowed himself to smile.

"Well, some of us actually have to _use_ the bathroom rather than just stand around in it," John said, grabbing Dirk by the shoulders and maneuvering him out of the way.

Dirk helpfully moved with his nudging, then slightly bowed and gestured to the door. "All yours."

John rolled his eyes and closed the door behind him.

The second time John caught him in the bathroom, it was the middle of the night. Dirk hadn't closed the door completely, afraid the click would disturb John's sleep, and hadn't turned on the light for the same reason.

"Dirk?" John asked drowsily, pushing the door farther open. "What are you doing?"

Dirk just wrapped his arms around John and kissed the top of his head, then crawled back into the bed, leaving John staring bleary-eyed back at him.

If John remembered it in the morning, he didn't bring it up.

The third time, Dirk had been home alone, so he hadn't bothered to close the door, and was surprised when John dropped by unexpectedly.

"I didn't take you for a narcissist," John said, his words not matching the worry in his voice.

Dirk jerked his hand from his neck as though it had burned him, but casually turned toward John and raised an eyebrow.

John laughed. "Okay, well not _this_ much of one, at least."

Dirk shrugged. "What can I say? I've got a pretty face."

They laughed, and Dirk stepped forward to leave the bathroom, but John didn't budge from his position, blocking the doorway. "Are you okay?"

Dirk considered John for a moment, playing out a dozen different ways this could go in his head. "I'm fine," he finally said, and kissed John on the cheek.

John searched his face for a few very tense heartbeats, then smiled lightly and said, "Okay," then stepped aside so Dirk could continue past him.

Dirk made sure John didn't catch him again.

* * *

oh hey have a shitty drawing


	12. A Change in Perpsective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dirk locks me out of his narrative.

John was confused. Things seemed to be going fine between him and Dirk until, well, he wasn’t quite sure when, but one day he realized Dirk hadn’t initiated a hug or any other sort of affection in a long time, and when John initiated it, he was given the barest amount back. He trusted Dirk to tell him when something was wrong, usually, so maybe that’s why he hadn’t noticed when Dirk had stopped telling him about his day, even when prompted. Now sure something was wrong, John shot him a quick are you doing okay?  text and waited.  
Hours later, he received a response. Are you? John frowned at his phone, unsure of how to continue, when he received another text. I mean, dude, you’re still up to your elbows in my bro’s bs, right? Dirk was right. Dave had been having night terrors and panic attacks and he, Rose, and Jade were doing their best to help him through it. Dirk had offered to help, but since some of the triggers involved a person who resembled him to an uncomfortable manner, they all agreed he could sit this one out.  
Is that what’s wrong?  
It’s fine.   
You know it’s nothing personal, right? You didn’t do anything, Dirk. Do you need me to head over there?  
I said it’s fine.  
It was hard to gauge emotions from text, and especially hard to gauge them from Dirk, but John was hurt nonetheless. Okay, fair enough. We can talk stuff out once Dave’s stuff is done okay?  
Yeah.  
Well, night! Love you! <3  
Night.  
If there really was a problem, Dirk would tell him about it, right?


End file.
